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Signs you're in a toxic situation with someone
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Signs you're in a toxic situation with someone
How to deal with toxic personality traits in a relationship and at work
Have you ever spent time with someone who seemed friendly but left you feeling insecure and emotionally exhausted after you got home? If so, you may have encountered someone who has toxic personality traits.
A recent article in the Sloane Management Review suggests that toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the Great Resignation. And toxic cultures start with individuals behaving in toxic ways.
So there's good reason to pay attention to toxic behavior and learn to spot the traits before they send you or your teammates looking for a new job. Toxic traits are not actually traits at all.
It refers to habits, behaviors, and ongoing actions that harm others. Many toxic traits (like self-centeredness) can be subtle, and we want to see the best in people. Naturally, identifying toxic people in your life can be tricky.
But toxic individuals are more common than you may think. According to the journal Violence and Victims, 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced psychological aggression from a partner. Plus, according to a recent Korn Ferry study, 35% of employees say that their boss is their single biggest source of stress at work.
Not all behaviors are quite so dramatic. Let's explore toxic traits you should watch out for in relationships — at work, home, or anyone else.
A personality trait is a characteristic that influences how a person thinks, feels, and acts. It is a part of who they are. Personality traits make up a person. For example, a person’s level of introversion or extroversion is a trait.
While they usually stay the same, traits can change over time due to factors like:
When discussing traits, we need to draw a line between a "trait" and "behavior." Traits are often innate. Behaviors, on the other hand, are actions we have control over. For example, a person’s level of “openness” is a trait. But "lying" is a behavior.
When people talk about toxic traits, they aren’t usually talking about traits of a person — the term instead refers to a person’s behavior. Behaviors can be characterized as “healthy” or “unhealthy.” Unhealthy, or toxic, behaviors include:
Let’s take a look at many examples of toxic traits.
If you saw someone throwing a chair through a window, you might think, "They have the toxic trait of anger." But not all toxic personality traits manifest so obviously.
Many people's toxic traits come out in subtle ways. You may not recognize them straight away when you encounter toxic behaviors in a relationship. Let's discuss 30 toxic traits and behaviors and their warning signs.
When discussing common examples of toxic traits, you should remember two critical things.
First, some behaviors can manifest positively in certain scenarios. But that doesn't make them positive. For example, a bossy person may produce high-quality work that impresses their colleagues and bosses. But bossiness can cause the person to feel stressed and ruin otherwise healthy relationships.
Second, our behaviors don't define us as people. This is true whether the behavior is negative or positive. For example, a person isn’t negative or rigid. Instead, a person may have the toxic trait of negativity or rigidity. We can change our toxic traits through introspection and reflection. We can also change them by working on our mental health.
Most people encounter someone with toxic traits at some point. Here are five red flags you're in a toxic situation you may need to address.
Someone with toxic traits may cover up their behavior by lying to you or gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a type of manipulation where the gaslighter tries to make you question your version of events.
You'll know someone is trying to gaslight you if they make you feel unsure of your feelings or insecure in your knowledge. However, there is a difference between someone disagreeing with you and gaslighting you.
Someone with toxic traits may avoid responsibility for their behavior with an apology that minimizes their actions. For example, they may say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry, but..."
If someone uses one of these apologies on you, you can call it out. People aren't always aware they aren't practicing empathy or compassion.
Someone with toxic traits may not realize or care that their actions negatively impact others if they lack emotional intelligence.
If someone is unaware their actions hurt others, try addressing the problem with them. If they refuse to listen, you may need to set boundaries or stop spending time with them.
Remember: you can use many types of listening. Keep in mind that everyone reacts differently to each type.
Someone with toxic traits may perceive themselves as more important than others. They may place their desires over other people's need for safety and well-being.
This attitude manifests itself in many ways, such as through:
Someone who believes they are superior may also not prioritize integrity (here are some examples of integrity).
Someone with toxic traits may have a fixed mindset about their behavior. A fixed mindset says, "I can't change.” In contrast, a growth mindset says, "I can change my behavior with hard work and a strong sense of self."
If someone only views themselves as a victim of their own life, they likely haven't accepted responsibility for their behavior. And they aren't ready to change it.
Let's explore five myths about toxic personality traits.
It's easy to assume that negative behavior patterns are permanent. But this isn't true. Our personalities are fluid and change as we learn, grow, and experience new things.
Most people can change their toxic traits if they:
Unfortunately, no one (not even therapists or life coaches) can fix someone else's toxic traits if the person with the toxic traits doesn't want to change.
Fixing toxic traits takes:
While you can support someone through addressing their toxic traits, you can't control or fix their behavior.
It's natural to assume someone's bad behavior is a conscious choice. But many people with toxic traits don't realize that their behavior impacts others.
You may have toxic traits that you don’t know about. Some toxic traits, like absolutism, manifest subtly. You may not realize you see things as good or bad unless you experience something that forces you to reflect on your mindset.
While someone's toxic or negative traits may harm others, they don't make someone an inherently bad person with evil intentions. We are all learning and growing as we experience new things. You can be a good person with toxic traits. In fact, everyone displays negative behavior from time to time.
Many people also develop toxic traits as a coping mechanism. For example, many dishonest people lie about their lives to protect themselves from other people's judgment.
Some negative behaviors serve people well in their personal or professional lives. But this doesn't make the toxic trait positive.
A bossy, rude, or rigid manager may push their staff to produce excellent work. But these toxic traits still negatively impact others by creating an unhealthy and toxic work environment. Many people with toxic leadership traits excuse their behavior by calling themselves "assertive" or "tough.” But you can be assertive and tough without harming others.
As you can't always cut someone with a toxic trait out of your life, here are five tips to help you deal with them.
When someone else's behavior makes you feel insecure or sad, you may feel tempted to blame yourself.
Don't. Other people's toxic traits reflect their struggles and insecurities, not you. You can only control your own actions, self-esteem, and mental fitness.
Watch out for signs you're JADE-ing their behavior. When you JADE, you "justify," "argue," defend," or "explain" someone else's behavior to minimize its impact.
If someone treats you poorly, reacting with anger, aggression, or annoyance may worsen the situation. Instead, start by taking deep breaths. Then, leave the situation if possible, and practice self-care.
Depending on the behavior, you can also use grey-rocking. When you grey-rock someone, you act dull or emotionally unresponsive to make it harder for the person to engage with you.
Setting boundaries with someone can reduce the impact of their behavior on you. Each boundary should have a consequence.
For example, "If my colleague makes a passive-aggressive comment about my appearance, I will excuse myself and speak with them later."
As we mentioned, many people don't realize they have toxic traits. So, telling someone that their actions have hurt your emotional well-being may help them understand they need to change.
You might like to try this template to start the conversation:
"When you do or say (action), I feel (emotion). I understand that you don't intend to make me feel (emotion), but I would like it if you tried to stop doing (action)."
Sometimes, an honest conversation can help someone turn a toxic relationship around.
Someone's toxic traits can harm the social well-being of your friend group, family unit, or team. Naturally, you may need to seek support from others. This way, you can work together to approach the person about their behavior and develop a better relationship.
If someone at work is behaving poorly, you may also need to report their toxic behavior to superiors or Human Resources.
Once you understand what toxic traits look like, it'll be easier to spot them in your professional and personal relationships.
When someone else has toxic traits, they can hurt you. But remember: someone else's behavior isn't a reflection of you, and you aren't responsible for fixing it. People with toxic personality traits are the only ones who can take responsibility for their actions and change.
If you'd like to learn how to spot toxic behavior and communicate better with others in the workplace and at home, try BetterUp's coaching.
Whether it's overcoming challenges or reaching your full potential, our coaches are here to help.
Whether it's overcoming challenges or reaching your full potential, our coaches are here to help.
Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships.
With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.
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