Healthy relationships make life worth living, and people who know how to cultivate them see benefits everywhere. They have more positive family dynamics, stronger friendships, and more balanced leadership skills.
Unhealthy relationships, in contrast, can get in the way of success. Relationships that always seem to be in crisis mode, or ones that steal your energy instead of recharging it, rob you of the time and energy you need to reach your potential.
Truly healthy relationships — whether they’re with romantic partners, friends, or family — don’t happen automatically. They require hard work and attention for true wellness. Here’s how to nourish your relationships and give them the best chance of thriving.
Healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships
No relationship is 100% healthy 100% of the time. A relationship is always a work in progress, and that’s where a lot of the beauty lies. But there’s a big difference between connections that are imperfect, which is normal, and ones that are potentially abusive and could negatively affect your life.
To identify the differences, it can be helpful to think of other people’s behavior in relationships in terms of green, red, and yellow flags. These follow the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s definition of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships:
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Green flags: These are healthy behaviors that convey respect and trust. People with lots of green flags should make you feel supported and taken care of. These include open communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect.
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Red flags: Red flags are warning signs that suggest someone might be manipulative or abusive, such as cruel or threatening communication, aggressive behavior, and attempts to control you. If these behaviors start showing up, consider leaving the relationship or seeking professional help to address it.
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Yellow flags: These aren’t necessarily toxic behavior patterns, but they’re potentially unhealthy ones you should keep a close eye on. Yellow flags include failing to communicate and imbalanced contributions to the relationship.
If the person doesn’t consciously work on their yellow flags, they could devolve into red ones, which is why it’s important to identify and communicate about them early on.
Pay attention to the relationships in your life. How many green flags can you see? What about red? If you find that the negative aspects are starting to tip the scale, take a second look at the situation. Talk to a good friend and assess whether the person impacts your life positively or is holding you back.
7 key characteristics of healthy relationships
You don’t act the same in all of your relationships — your parents and best friends receive different types of attention from you. But healthy relationships do have a fairly consistent set of underlying principles, whether that’s with your child or with a close colleague. Here’s what to look for:
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Earned trust: In a healthy relationship, you should trust each other. You know you can depend on the other person’s support and honesty. But no healthy relationship begins with complete trust — you have to prove and earn it.
Building mutual trust is a long-term project that requires dedication and consistency.
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Mutual support: You and your significant other should support each other through hardships, celebrate triumphs, and encourage the other to grow. You can put your own needs aside when they’re going through a hard time, and vice versa. This is also about communicating what support looks like to you.
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Mature, healthy communication: Poor communication can do serious damage to relationships. One study found that married couples reporting higher levels of negative communication were more likely to divorce within the first five years. A diverse set of communication skills should come into play in healthy relationships, including expressing gratitude, managing conflict, and listening.
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Respect: In a relationship, respect means taking the time to learn about the other person’s boundaries and acknowledge their strengths and contributions.
The opposite of respect is contempt: a belief that the other person is less valuable, important, or intelligent than you are. And according to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt is the single most destructive behavior in a relationship.
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Balance: In a balanced relationship, both people put in the effort, and this looks different by context. In a romantic relationship, balance usually means basic equality in terms of how much time and emotional labor each partner invests.
And in a hierarchical workplace relationship, there might not be equality, but there is reciprocity and acknowledgment.
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Honesty and authenticity: Honesty means expressing emotions in a clear, compassionate way without spinning or breaking the truth. And similarly, authenticity is being honest about who you are. In a strong relationship, both people have the autonomy to express their authentic selves.
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Affection and positive emotions: Being around another person should uplift you and make you feel good, and affection shows them you feel that way. And that communication doesn’t have to be physical. In a work relationship, it could mean a warm email greeting or a smile.
13 tips for building healthy relationships
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti said: “A relationship is a mirror in which you can see yourself, not as you would wish to be, but as you are.” Relationships can bring out strengths you never knew you had, but they also expose hidden weaknesses and flaws. That’s why building healthy relationships starts with reflection and self-awareness.
Here’s what you can do to build healthy relationships and support the people in your life:
1. Figure out your core beliefs
If you don’t trust someone, it may be because they’ve betrayed your trust in the past or shown a pattern of suspicious behavior. But the problem could also be on your end. Your core beliefs and previous experiences could make you see betrayal even when there’s nothing there. Exploring those core beliefs and building self-knowledge sets you up to approach relationships in an informed and intelligent way.
2. Cherish each other’s vulnerabilities
In the early stages of a relationship, you might want to be your best self and hide your insecurities. But after a while, you start to open up and show who you really are. Whenever someone is vulnerable with you, show them they can count on you by avoiding jokes and negative comments. Express support and let them know you care.
3. Ask for help when you need it
Asking someone for help is difficult. But healthy relationships involve give and take. When you seek help from someone, whether that’s emotional or otherwise, you’re offering them an opportunity to support you — and chances are they’ll be more than happy to take it. This also shows the other person that they should also feel comfortable doing the same when they need it.
4. Protect the relationship from stress
Stressed-out people have little energy left over for their relationships, which means constant stress can wear out your connections over time, whether that’s internal fighting or external hardship. One way to avoid this is to talk about past difficulties as battles that you overcame together. Researchers call this process “glorifying the struggle.”
5. Show appreciation
Expressing gratitude is a simple way to improve relationship satisfaction. In fact, it may even trigger a virtuous spiral in which receiving appreciation makes you more likely to appreciate your partner. Find, and take, opportunities to show your gratitude, whether that’s kind words or a gesture of thanks.
6. Set aside time to talk about your hopes and fears
The infatuation at the beginning of a romantic relationship is full of happy hormones. But that intensity can wear off over time. Make the effort to continue learning about each other and sparking those feelings of newness and excitement. Hopes, fears, and plans change over time, so have regular discussions to stay on the same page and discover more things you love.
7. Fight with intention
Conflict is powerful. It can either break relationships or make them stronger. But handling conflict maturely can be extremely difficult, especially if you feel defensive. Show the other person you care by acknowledging the need they’re expressing, even if you don’t agree with it, and focus on constructive solutions.
Listen actively and try to see the fight not as you versus the other person, but as you and the other person versus the problem. If either of you becomes overpowered by emotion, pause and take a time out. Giving yourself space for emotional regulation can offer the insight you need to approach the problem proactively.
8. Embrace your differences
Everyone’s personality is unique and changes over time, which means you and the people around you will always have differences. Regularly recognize your complementary strengths and weaknesses, and appreciate what each of you brings to the relationship. Show the other person you value their perspective.
9. Communicate and maintain healthy boundaries
Try to communicate your boundaries proactively, whether those concern how much time you can spend with them or your level of emotional intimacy. But sometimes, you only become aware of a boundary after someone crosses it — so if they do something you’re not comfortable with, explain it clearly.
And in the same vein, stay alert to any indications that the other person is setting boundaries, even if they’re subtle. Don’t be afraid to clarify verbally and ask what they need from you. Healthy couples, friendships, and familial relationships give space to talk about boundaries.
10. Check in regularly
Even in healthy relationships, you’ll sometimes fail to communicate. If you’re ill or going through a busy period, you might not pay attention or realize you’re neglecting someone. Check in regularly with the other person to find out how they’re doing, what’s on their plate, and if there’s anything you can do to help.
11. Be a good listener
Listening creates a feeling of togetherness and aids a creative thought process. If you can listen actively and without judgment, you’ll deepen your relationships and solve problems better together.
When it comes to conflict, listening to the other person doesn’t mean you have to change your opinion — or even agree. But it’ll help you understand and connect to them, which in turn can help you find common ground.
12. Learn how you each like to give and receive affection
According to 5 Love Languages author Gary Chapman, there are five main ways people like to receive affection: acts of service, gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. You might feel good when your friend verbally praises you, while your friend might feel good when you’re doing an activity like going on a walk together. That means your love language is words of affirmation, and your friend’s is quality time.
If you don’t know how you like to receive affection or how to verbalize those feelings, consider doing a love language quiz. Then you can give people the attention and effort they deserve, the way they prefer it.
13. Have fun together
Strong relationships are hard work — but they shouldn’t always feel like work. Schedule time to explore, try new things, and do activities you and the person you care about both enjoy. Spending your free time working on your relationship shows you both that you’re eager and willing to put in the effort.
What to do when working on the relationship doesn’t help
Improving a connection and finding what works for both of you is a beautiful thing. But in some relationships, being patient and waiting for change can backfire. Sometimes accepting someone as they are means realizing they’ll never meet your needs, and unfortunately, that might mean ending the relationship.
Whether you’re no longer friends with a coworker or breaking up with a long-term partner, the process of ending a relationship can be difficult and sad. The people in your life will always be in flux, no matter what stage of life you’re in, but that doesn’t make spending time without them easier.
Be honest, communicate, and take care of yourself. And remember not to neglect the people you do have. They help your well-being more than you know.
Nurture your relationships and your life will blossom
In relationship health, as in physical health, preventing disaster is worth far more than the cure. Be proactive, and don’t wait until there’s a problem to start putting in the effort. In healthy relationships, there’s always more to learn and room to grow, and actively working on your connections will benefit both you and the people you love.
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