How to become more assertive at work and in life (your ultimate guide)

Being assertive isn’t the same as being aggressive. Aggression lies on the other end of the spectrum.

Aggression is hostile or even violent behavior towards others.

Here’s how they differ and how to avoid aggressivity.

How you view other people’s rights

Aggressivity doesn’t take the views or feelings of other people into mind. Someone with aggressive behavior will rarely take the time to praise others.

Meanwhile, assertiveness doesn’t sacrifice other people’s rights for your own.

Encouraging assertive responses

When approaching someone aggressively, you don’t encourage others to respond with assertiveness. Instead, the natural response to aggression is to act aggressively or to remain passive.

On the other hand, assertiveness doesn’t suffocate the other person, which allows them to respond assertively if they know how to do so.

Telling vs. asking

When you tell someone what to do or how something is going to be instead of asking, this is aggressive behavior. It doesn’t open up a conversation.

Assertiveness should help you state your needs without imposing them on others. It should also avoid forcing people to do something they don’t want to do.

How you meet your needs

Aggressive behavior can develop into manipulative behavior. This is especially true when your thoughts aren’t expressed clearly.

An assertive person will strive to meet their needs not through manipulation, but through open conversation.

How your behavior affects others

Assertiveness involves standing up for your rights, but not by causing distress to others.

On the other hand, aggressive behavior can cause distress depending on the situation. It can also cause your peers to feel unsafe and unsupported, which can result in people not engaging as much with their work and not trying new things.

What can assertive behavior look like in the workplace? Let’s explore five examples so that you can learn how to be assertive at work.

1. Expressing your opinion and speaking directly

Assertive behavior means that you say what you want to say directly, without beating around the bush.

You’re direct while remaining respectful of others.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you don’t agree with a new policy. You can say so clearly without just hinting at what you’re thinking:

“I don’t agree with this new policy. I believe it will negatively impact productivity and morale.”

2. Making eye contact with others

Eye contact shows assertiveness. Avoiding eye contact is a way to avoid confrontation. The latter is passive behavior.

Assertive behavior will also include positive body language that diffuses negativity.

Using eye contact doesn’t mean staring aggressively at others, though. There’s a balance to maintain.

3. Taking accountability for your own mistakes

Because you stand up for your beliefs, you also need to take accountability for your mistakes.

However, don’t take accountability for other people’s mistakes. Instead, hold everyone accountable for their own actions.

If you advocated trying a new project management method that didn’t work out, admit your mistake instead of pointing fingers.

4. Making sure everyone is on board with a decision

Assertive behavior will leave room for other people’s opinions to make decisions together.

You make sure everyone is on board before making a decision that affects them.

This also includes you. You should agree with the decision and stand up for your opinion instead of agreeing with others to make everyone else happy.

5. Taking pride in yourself and your team

An assertive person will not just take pride in what they’ve accomplished, but also what their team has accomplished together.

This doesn’t mean you’re placing all the praise on your team, either.

Not taking pride in yourself and giving credit to just your team is passive, not assertive. On the other end of the spectrum, taking all the credit for a team effort is a form of aggressive behavior.

Here is how you can become assertive in the workplace and outside of it.

Use “I” statements

Being assertive is all about getting your needs respected and your point of view valued. It’s not about judging others or telling someone they are lesser than you because they are wrong.

Use “I” statements in your sentences to avoid pointing fingers. This will help you develop assertive communication.

Here is an example of being assertive. Instead of saying, “you need to stop taking my parking space,” try, “I feel upset and uncomfortable that I can’t access my parking space.”

Practice eye contact

Look at the other person in the eye and avoid shifting your gaze when you feel like shrinking away.

You can practice this with someone you’re comfortable with at first if you find this difficult.

Use body language

Body language can communicate confidence or lack thereof. Keep your posture upright, and your head held high during conversations.

Avoid crossing your arms and legs. Lean forward, but don’t take over the other person’s space. This will avoid aggression.

Get comfortable saying “no”

Practice saying no without beating around the bush.

Be direct and use the word “no,” not an alternative. Let’s say you don’t want to work late again to do unpaid overtime. 

Here’s an assertive example. Instead of saying:

“I don’t think I’ll come in tonight.”

Say:

“No. I don’t feel like doing unpaid overtime is fair.”

Rehearse your conversations

If you’re still feeling nervous about being more assertive, practice your conversations in front of a mirror.

Keep your practice conversations clear and direct. You can get a feel for what your statements will sound like in a real situation.

Watch your emotions

When you start standing up for yourself, you may not get what you want right away.

Remember that it’s a conversation, which means there will be some back and forth.

Stay mindful of what’s going on with your emotions, and don’t speak out spontaneously out of frustration or anger. Instead, practice mindful breathing and take your time before responding.

Remember that you can’t control others

Assertive communication is all about making sure your voice gets heard and respected. It’s not about controlling what others do.

Control slips into the territory of aggression, so keep this in mind.

Remain open to positive and negative feedback

Be open to hearing compliments and receiving them without downplaying them. It’s important to know how to ask for and receive feedback. 

On the flip side, be ready to hear constructive criticism without acting defensively. Both types of feedback are necessary to help you improve.

Express yourself positively

Be constructive when speaking your mind and avoid negativity when possible.

Remain respectful of other people, even when you’re dealing with a negative or difficult situation.

Practice assertiveness in low-risk situations

You don’t have to start your assertive journey by confronting your manager.

Start small and practice assertive behavior in low-risk situations.

You can try this out with someone who is safe, like a partner or a close friend. It should be with someone you trust at first.